Why me?

Why me?

Hey love,

I had a good cry on Sunday. A soul weep. One of those releases that are free from thought or story.

I had been watching this incredibly beautiful film of Janet Adler, who is one of the founding visionaries of Authentic Movement. AM is quite close to Embodied Flow™ in that it weaves movement with healing and mysticism.

It involves a mover and a witness, both becoming utterly present and seeing what emerges from the emptiness. I’m going to offer it in class tomorrow if you can make it.

The transmission of the film is powerful. It is a meditation of its own because she has so deeply embodied the teachings of her path.

As I watched her and felt her, I experienced a swell of grief and humility. An overwhelming gratitude that I get to share in what she is describing and a confusing sense of why me? Why do I get to be this blessed?

There is not a day goes by where I don’t feel incredibly fortunate. As some of you know, my Mother was tormented by psychosis in the second half of her life. She was never free to just live and she never came back from her first breakdown at 44, a year older than I am now.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes this as susto, which means soul loss. When the soul hovers outside the body. This was my Mother and it was heartbreaking to see her simply exist.

I have done huge amounts of healing work, thanks to people like Chris Skidmore, my first therapist Nicola, my teachers Leila, Bridget, Tara, Scott, Sianna, Hareesh, craniosacral therapists like Joanna Jones, vortex healers like Daisy Nokes. I have allowed myself to be held by many, I have received so much kindness, I have experienced Bowen, Vortex, Reiki, Cranio, Ayurvedic massage, Thai massage, crystal therapy, chakra healing, Chinese methods, all the yoga, meditation, mantra, breathwork, sound, astrology, shamanic journeying. I lose track.

Openness and surrender have been my guides. A willingness to heal. A determination to break destructive cycles and patterns. A commitment to not cause harm - after causing plenty to myself and others in my teens and early twenties. A great will, a devotion, curiosity and an implicit understanding that I am only ever scratching the surface of what can be known in this lifetime.

I wonder why I get to be this blessed but I also acknowledge the work I have done. It has shown me that if I am not open and I am not wiling then the healing can’t come. If I stay in resistance then I stay in the cycle of samsara.

I know it might feel like you’ve been stuck a while but I gently encourage you to keep going. Keep saying yes to your own healing, your own recovery, your own realisation.

You are loved.

Collette